How to Let go of Anger
Ephesians 4:25-26; Matthew 5:43-47 September 22, 2019
Rev. David J. Clark
Today we continue our sermon series on removing the barriers to happiness by talking about anger. It’s hard to be simultaneously angry and truly happy. Anger is inevitable. It’s part of the human condition. Things happen that violates our sense of justice or fairness or pride. You are going to get angry; the question is what do you do with your anger?
What is your default response? Blow up? Calculate a way to get back at the other, maybe silent treatment, sarcastic remark, or passive-aggressive actions? Maybe you internalize the anger—just stuff it deep inside and pretend it doesn’t bother you? Make excuses for the other person?
The upside of anger
There is an upside to anger. It serves to alert us to things we need to pay attention to. Having a short fuse and constantly blowing up seldom leads to a satisfactory resolution. Psychologist, Harriett Learner, who wrote The Dance of Anger says, “Anger is signal, and one worth listening to.” Minimizing your experience of pain just serves to stuff it down further and leads to feelings of powerlessness and frustration. Try to let your anger motivate change.
Jesus got angry. In the temple, he turned over the tables and threw out the moneychangers. He got angry with people who criticized him for healing a man on the Sabbath. He gets angry about injustice and the anger motivates him to act for changing they system. He demonstrates how to take the anger and use that energy to do something positive.
In the scripture, Paul says, “Be angry. But do not sin.” That is, “Deal with it.” To do that you have to look under the surface to get down to what is really wrong. If you find yourself getting angry over little things and growing disproportionately angry over something that shouldn’t be that big of a deal, it’s time to step back to see what is really going on and deal with that.
Arguments about toilet paper aren’t really about toilet paper
A couple told me that they kept getting into arguments about which way the toilet paper is hung, pull from top or bottom. When they dug under the surface they found out the issue wasn’t toilet paper. Eventually, one partner was able to say, “I do a lot of work around this house and put a lot of effort into making sure that things look nice. I do most of the work and the one thing I ask is that the toilet paper be hung this way and when that is ignored, it’s like saying to me, ‘None of your efforts matter. I don’t appreciate what you are doing, I take it for granted and hardly even notice.’”
I think of it like geysers, you know like Old Faithful. Pressure causes pockets of steam to rise from under the surface and it has to find some way out. In relationships, there are pockets of emotions under the surface and when they are pressured, that heat will find a way out. And the stuff under the surface are some basic human needs like feeling appreciated, respected, admired, valued, loved. If we feel those needs aren’t being met the pressure builds and there are blowouts. You can count on it a surely as you can count on Old Faithful.
It’s hardly ever about the presenting issue like toilet paper. You can solve the toilet paper problem and not address the real issue and the next time it will be bread crumbs and then finances or something else. You can plug up the holes address those one at a time but until the pressures underneath are dealt with it’s always going to be something.
Be angry, but do not sin.
“Be angry, but do not sin.” It’s a reminder not to retaliate or do something mean or take the low road. Forget about silent treatments and ridicule and biting comments. Let go of the passive-aggressive stuff, attempts to even the score when you’ve been wronged.
Our scripture says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” One woman told me that is why you should get angry in the morning so you have all day to savor it. “What good is getting angry right before bed and having to let it go?” She asked.
She is on to the fact that there is a certain self-righteous feeling we get when we are angry. And that feels good. Nothing is better than knowing you are in the right. But savoring that feeling leads to awful consequences. Frederich Buechner, said it this way:
Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back — in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.
The feast is you. Anger can be a barrier to your own happiness. Maybe there is someone in your life who has hurt you in the past? That can eat away at your health and well-being. Studies show that holding onto anger affects your happiness and it even has negative effects on your health.
But how do you let it go? The scriptures give us some insights. Remember that you are not perfect and need forgiveness. Jesus talked about praying for your enemies, doing good to those who persecute you.
Empathy for the other is key to letting go of your anger
Now science is backing Jesus up. Researchers in the science of happiness reveal that one of the best things you can do to let go of your anger is to find empathy for the other. It is the great pressure valve that lets off steam and lowers the intensity and softens the edges of the raw emotion.
Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. When possible, give the other person the benefit of the doubt and say they were probably doing the best they could with the resources and knowledge they had. That leaves room for saying maybe they didn’t know better, maybe they don’t have the emotional resources built up to expect any better behavior from them. Maybe because of their upbringing they were raised to think that their actions were totally justified. It doesn’t mean they acted appropriately; it just means you assume they were trying to do their best with what they had. If you start from there rather then they are pure evil out to get you, it helps.
Benefits of an empathy meditation
One exercise, I’ll lead you through in just a minute, is proven to be effective shown as a first step in increasing empathy. You simply take time to think about various people in your life and wish them well. It radiates from concentric circles. First, you focus on yourself, then the people close to you, then people you randomly encounter, then someone you have difficulty with and then the whole world. It’s simple you wish for them to be happy, safe, healthy, and at peace.
Because Jesus told us to pray for others including our enemies, we can use the meditation as a prayer. Through prayer, we can hand it over to God, which makes it a very powerful thing.
When you get to the part about wishing well for someone you are in conflict with remember this is not something that excuses their behavior. It is not calling something wrong–right or saying that it is okay. What we are doing is not even forgiveness. It may be a step toward it. It’s hoping they get better. The fact that they are horrible or did something horrible to you means they need some change in their life–so that they don’t continue to inflict harm to others. Can you get to a place where you at least wish that for them?
Most importantly you can remember doing this exercise is not about them, it’s about you. Clearing away a hurdle to your happiness, your physical and emotional wellbeing. Do it because of what it can do for you. When we get to the part about praying for someone who has caused you difficulty, you don’t have to choose the person you have the most problems with. Start small–with someone who is merely annoying rather than the person who has caused you the most pain. The point is to begin the practice, a practice of letting go of the anger that has built up inside of you.
Meditation
Get in a comfortable and deepen your breath. Close your eyes if you are comfortable doing so. Silently repeat these words. Loving God whose Spirit dwells within me, hear my prayer.
-May I be happy -May I be healthy-May I be safe-May I be at peace
Now repeat these words aloud as you continue to breathe in and out each sentence.
-May I be happy-May I be healthy-May I be safe-May I be at peace
As you continue to repeat these words, imagine the light and warmth of God’s love surrounding you and filling you.
As we deepen our breath and close our eyes, now think about someone you love and care about. Imagine the love and light of God shining from your heart to theirs as you pray silently,
-May they (or name) be happy
-May they (or name) be healthy
-May they (or name) be safe
-May they (or name) be at peace
Imagine love and light surrounding this person you love as you pray aloud:
-May they (or name) be happy
-May they (or name) be healthy
-May they (or name) be safe
-May they (or name) be at peace
Now let us widen our attention. Think about someone you’ve encountered recently that you hold no strong feelings about. Maybe it is a store clerk or random person you encountered or someone you don’t know who is sitting near you right now.
Imagine the love and light of God shining from your heart to theirs as you pray silently:
-May they (or name) be happy
-May they (or name) be healthy
-May they (or name) be safe
-May they (or name) be at peace
Imagine love and light surrounding this person as you pray aloud:
-May they (or name) be happy
-May they (or name) be healthy
-May they (or name) be safe
-May they (or name) be at peace
Now let us widen our attention. Continuing to breathe, think about someone you struggle to love; someone you dislike or possibly call and enemy.
Although you may have negative feelings towards this person, think of how this person may have suffered in his or her own life. This person has also had conflicts with loved ones, or has dealt with failures, or been bullied, or may have suffered illness. Think of a situation in which this person may have suffered.
Notice your heart center. Can you allow yourself to feel openness or tenderness? Continue to visualize this person as you breathe. Imagine that you are extending the golden light from your heart to him or her, and that the golden light is easing their suffering. Extend this light out with the strong heartfelt wish that they be freed from suffering. See if this wish can be as strong as the wish for your own or a loved one’s suffering to be relieved.
Imagine the love and light of God shining from your heart to theirs as you pray:
-May they (or name) be happy
-May they (or name) be healthy
-May they (or name) be safe
-May they (or name) be at peace
Imagine love and light surrounding this person as you pray aloud:
-May they (or name) be happy
-May they (or name) be healthy
-May they (or name) be safe
-May they (or name) be at peace
Now let us widen our awareness.
This last time, as we continue our breath and close our eyes, focus on offering love and well-wishes to everyone. This could mean people all over the world or people you have not yet met. It can include animals. Imagine the love and light of God shining on all beings as you repeat:
-May all beings be happy
-May all beings be healthy
-May all beings be safe
-May all beings be at peace
May God help us to widen our circle of love.
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be safe
May you be at peace. Amen.